Japanese anime review

Although 99% of all Japanese anime are works of art, with stunning animation, intriguing plots, and unforgettable characters, there is that 1% you have to watch out for. These are the films that, for whatever reason, fell short - far short. And if you watch too many of these, you might stop enjoying anime altogether.

This is my list of the top five worst anime; avoid them and you'll avoid a lot of psychological trauma.

Ninja Scroll was Academy Award material. Part 1 of the sequel, Ninja Resurrection: Jubei's Revenge, was pretty shaky. Part 2 fell apart completely. The plot was vague and didn't get anything accomplished. Most of it didn't even make sense; it was something generic about good and evil. What makes this film extraordinarily bad is that it tarnishes the excellent reputation Ninja Scroll made for itself.

4. Akira

I know I'll catch a lot of flack for this one, but please hold your rocks and other throwables for just a moment. Akira was the Titanic of the anime world: It wasn't bad in and of itself, but with all the hype surrounding it, I was expecting some sort of epiphany after watching it. The animation was average and the plot, which involved the awakening of a boy's psionic powers against the backdrop of a neo-Tokyo, was confusing and dragged at times. This is not to say that it didn't have its moments, because it definitely did. The only thing keeping this film from the #3 spot is the very popularity that got it on this list at all. At least it introduced anime to many who, hopefully, went on to see bigger and better films.

3. Sailor Moon

Although I risk bodily harm from the hordes of the obsessed, I'm sticking to my choice. This series is just as insidious as Pokemon, though it lacks that show's inherent cuteness. It's everywhere: TV, toys, lunch boxes, trading cards…. No one seems to realize that the show isn't that great; the plots and character designs are flat, and the dub voice actors aren't exercising the talent I know they have. Sailor Moon is just another black hole in the pockets of the American public. It's more fun to collect the mountains of merchandise than to actually watch the show.

2. Galaxy Express 999

A young boy bent on avenging the death of his mother, ends up falling in love with a (much older) woman who looks exactly like said mother. Wacky adventures ensue, boy comes of age and learns about the true identity of his new love interest, all his sidekicks sacrifice their lives to save the day, a bittersweet ending caps a monotonous hour and a half, roll credits. The animation is flat-out bad, the voice acting is poor, the only depth to the characters was that unnecessary Oedipus complex issue, and the plot had holes you could drive a Greyhound bus through. Enough said

And the worst anime I have ever borne witness to, the one for which I still pay a hefty shrink bill, the one that is used as a torture device in the lower bowels of Hell…

1. Adieu, Galaxy Express 999

They made a sequel! The horror continues as Tetsuro (read: Oedipus) boards that intergalactic train, 999, to help save the woman he still loves (and who still looks like his mother). The second volume, a carbon copy of its predecessor, is so excruciating to watch that it defies all logic. Once was definitely enough. Avoid this one at all costs.

I don't want to end on a sour note so let me just say that, now that you've been warmed, you can look forward to hours of blissful anime watching, secure in the knowledge that you will never witness the atrocities in animation that I have seen. You're welcome.